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Verfasser: James

Datum: Sonntag, den 1. April 2001, um 6:52 Uhr

Betrifft: Noch einen Strich Uwe!

Will ja nicht penetrant sein ... aber nicht einen erneuten Strich fÃ¼r die Statistik vergessen, Uwe K.!

An den Rest dieser kleinen Gruppe, wo es laut Uwe K. so wenig Schreiber gibt aber Maaaaaaaaaaaaaassen an mitlesenden Mormonen (herzlich willkommen!) zwei herrliche Artikel aus der Salt Lake Tribune vom letzten bzw. vorletzten Samstag.

SLT Kolumnist Robert Kirby lieÃŸ diesen spitzenmÃ¤ÃŸigen Kommentar los Ã¼ber die HLT Zeugnisversammlungen, insbesondere die Klasse Zeugnisse von den Kiddies. Wer hat da nicht frÃ¼her, oder immer noch (GruÃŸ wieder an die schweigende Mehrheit!) Ã¤hnliches erlebt?

Der wirkliche Knaller sind dann die Leserbriefe ... insbesondere die bitterbÃ¶sen Reaktionen von manchen Mormonen. Eine QualitÃ¤t die man ja hier so gelegentlich erleben kann. War mir nicht so, daÃŸ gerade gestern ...

1) "Fast Sundays Are Slower Than the Second Coming
Saturday, March 24, 2001
BY ROBERT KIRBY

Among the things that I shall answer for at the Judgment Bar is the time Leon Krygowski and I paid his 6-year-old brother a quarter to bear his testimony in church.
Getting Rudy to stand up and rattle on about being thankful for his brothers and sisters was the easy part. He did it every fast Sunday. This time, however, we wanted him to say he was thankful for Jimi Hendrix.
It backfired. Rudy said it all right, but only about 5 percent of the congregation knew who Jimi Hendrix was. So, we didn’t get to see the bishop yank Rudy away from the microphone and boot him off the podium.
As evil as this was, I’m thinking about doing it again. Among the 40 kids who bear identical testimonies in the ward every fast Sunday, there’s got to be one who wants 10 bucks bad enough to say, "And I’m thankful for Yasser Arafat."
Don’t worry, I won’t. Mainly because it would only backfire again. We’re talking Utah County. Most of the congregation would be thinking, "Brother Arafat? Hmm, must be a new Seventy."
Also, my motives have changed. No longer a teen-age thug interested in seeing Rudy get spanked and excommunicated, now I only want to break up the monotony of the monthly Podium Parade.
Every fast Sunday, an endless stream of children heads for the front of the chapel where they bear their testimonies while doing chin ups on the lectern. After the first two or three, the parade settles into an easy rhythm of imitation.
"I know the church is true. I’m thankful for my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad. And I want Super Squirrel pajamas for Christmas."
Words to that effect. Occasionally, some kid will vapor lock and can’t get a word out. When that happens, someone gently pries his fingers off the lectern and takes him away for further indoctrination.
OK, maybe it’s electroshock therapy. Frankly, we don’t know a lot about that part of the gospel plan.
My favorite members of the monthly parade are the parents, the ones who take little Wally or Nephi up to the mike and help him out. They’ll whisper in his ear what he’s thankful for and "knows" to be true. Just once, I’d like to hear one of these kids say, "I’ve just been told that I know the church is true. But Primary still bites."
The exact logic behind the parade escapes me. I think I’ve figured out the kid angle. Some kids, not kids like I was, actually want to please their parents. Doing what everyone else is doing is a cool way of making mom and dad proud of you.
I’m not saying that kids should be seen and not heard in church. After all, there’s always the possibility of the occasional kid being intuitive enough to understand what he’s doing and why. Anything is possible with God.
What I can’t figure out is why adults go along with the parade to the extent that they do. Encouraging children to say they know something when they don’t strikes me as more fabrication than faith.
Then there’s the purpose of the meeting in the first place. Maybe it’s me, but I always thought the point of that particular meeting was waiting for the Spirit to motivate you. That can be tough when things have been reduced to the spirit of Show and Tell

2) Die Reaktionen:

"’Hey, Freak’ And Other Inspiring Mail
Saturday, March 31, 2001

ROBERT KIRBY

SPECIAL TO THE TRIBUNE

Last week’s column on the monthly parade of testimony tots generated a lot of reader feedback. Now seems a good time to take a dive into the mailbag.
I try to print excerpts from reader responses twice per year. Call it an open testimony meeting column. I’ll now turn the time over to you. Speak your mind on whatever.

"Christ said to let the little children come unto him. Who are you to say they shouldn’t?" -- M.S., Provo

"My husband is the bishop, and every Fast Sunday I watch him fight to keep his composure as every 4-year-old in the ward parades up to the podium. Thanks for taking the words right out of his mouth." -- F.A., e-mail

"Hey, freak. It’s a good thing that you are not God. Your lack of understanding about the faith of children just goes to show what a pathetic man you really are." -- A.M., e-mail

"You have really done it this time with your article on Fast Sundays. Half the church will be dying laughing and the other half will want your hide. I am among the half that died laughing." -- D.M., e-mail

"You obviously didn’t worry about offending the women because they are too busy being barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen to read your article." -- M.M., e-mail

"I love your column on the differences between men and women. You have a great way of pointing out how dense men are, especially my husband." -- R.H.

"I sympathize with your pets for having such an insensitive owner. May you have nightmares and your dogs not wake you." -- L.H., Scottsdale, AZ

"Maybe you do not like Latinos if you named your cat Bob Valdez." -- anonymous, West Valley City

"Is Larry Erdmann a real person?" -- R., e-mail

"We do not have freedom anymore in Utah. Utah Naziism [sic]. Seek hile [sic]. Too bad. You were once a great writer. Now you stink like the hypocrites of the church." -- A.Y., West Valley City

"You make life in Utah bearable for this transplanted agnostic Jew. If there is a God, I sincerely hope he smiles on you." -- N.S., e-mail

"Think of how God is going to judge you at the last day. He is not going to be pleased with you for degrading his church." -- A.J., Sandy

"Fast and testimony meeting was the first time I was ever grateful for wearing a hearing aid. I get through it now by adjusting the volume as needed." -- B.C., e-mail

"Dear Brother Loser. If you can’t say something nice about church, why don’t you leave and go to hell with the rest of the apostates?" -- F.D., Salt Lake City

"I made a deal with the devil. I go to Mass with my wife every Sunday if she lets me read Kirby’s column while we are there. See you in hell, brother." -- anonymous, Salt Lake City

"Everyone is sick of reading about how great you think it is to be a Mormon. Please stop your insulting brag before I cancel my subscription." -- G.N., e-mail

"I laughed so hard at your facial hair column that my whiskers fell out. Maybe now they will call me to be the bishop. Thanks a lot." -- W.J., e-mail

"Church policy comes from the Lord. How dare you make fun of it? You are disgusting. I will never read your column again." -- P.P., St. George

"The stake president asked me to shave off my mustache. I said no, but it didn’t work. He made me the bishop anyway." -- C.D., Los Angeles