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Datum: Montag, den 27. August 2001, um 18:09 Uhr

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GODâ€™S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
   __ Newspaper __ Other Book
   __ Television    __ Divine Inspiration
   __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
   __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Bible __ Other (specify): _____________
   __ Torah

2. Which model God did you acquire?
   __ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
   __ Jehova    __ Jesus
   __ Alah    __ Satan
   __ God __ G-d
   __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
   order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
   __ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
   __________________________________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
   Please check all that apply.
   __ Indoctrinated by parents
   __ Indoctrinated by society
   __ Needed a reason to live
   __ Needed focus in who to despise
   __ Imaginary friend grew up
   __ Hate to think for myself
   __ Fear of death
   __ Wanted to meet girls/boys
   __ Wanted to piss off parents
   __ Needed a day away from work
   __ Desperate need for certainty
   __ Like Organ Music
   __ Need to feel Morally Superior
   __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
   __ Yes __ No If Yes, which false god

were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
   __ Odin    __ Cthulhu
   __ Zeus    __ The Almighty Dollar
   __ Appolo    __ Left Wing Liberalism
   __ Ra    __ Barney T.B.P.D.
   __ The great Spirit    __ The Great Pumpkin
   __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
   __ The Moon    __ A burning cabbage
   __ The Bomb    __ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
   to God? Please check all that apply.
   __ Tarot __ Lottery
   __ Astrology __ Television
   __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
   __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
   __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
   __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
   __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
   __ Tea Leaves    __ ESP
   __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
   __ Crystals    __ Human Sacrifice
   __ Pyramids    __ Wandering around a desert
   __ Insurance policies    __ Burning Shrubbery
   __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _______________
   __ Barney Fife __ None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
   balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
   prefer (circle one)?
   a. More Divine Intervention
   b. Less Divine Intervention
   c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
   d. Donâ€™t know...whatâ€™s Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters
flood    1   2   3   4   5
famine 1   2   3   4   5
earthquake 1   2   3   4   5
war    1   2   3   4   5
pestilence 1   2   3   4   5
plague 1   2   3   4   5
SPAM 1   2   3   4   5
AOL    1   2   3   4   5

b. Miracles
rescues    1   2   3   4   5
spontaneous remissions 1   2   3   4   5
stars hovering over towns    1   2   3   4   5
crying statues 1   2   3   4   5
water changing to wine 1   2   3   4   5
walking on water (other    1   2   3   4   5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery    1   2   3   4   5
VCRs that set their own    1   2   3   4   5
clocks
Sadam Hussein still alive    1   2   3   4   5
Cubs winning the Series    1   2   3   4   5
Clintonâ€™s re-election    1   2   3   4   5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
   the quality of Godâ€™s services? (Attach an additional sheet if
   necessary):