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zum Thema Mormonen sind mit ihrem Satan auf dem Holzweg

Seite erstellt am 25.4.24 um 21:58 Uhr

der Beitrag:

Verfasser: vedma

Datum: Freitag, den 27. April 2001, um 13:08 Uhr

Betrifft: den Teufel gibt es wirklich

Zu dem Thema fiel mir eben der Artikel ein, auf den du, Ralf, mal aufmerksam gemacht hattest. Passt, finde ich.

(aus dem Latterday Lampoon, Datum weiÃŸ ich nimmer so recht)

Smithsonian Institute Finds Platinum Plates At Hill Cumorah

by Jerry the Aspousetate

WASHINGTON D&C - A team of scientists announced today a startling discovery
regarding platinum plates detailing the origins of the Devil. The report
culminated several years of effort by an international multi-diciplinary task
force.

According to Yale Professor B. Y. Olde, the breakthrough came with the discovery
of a tool they dubbed a urum and fingerum, which translated platinum plates
written by the Devil himself. Olde, the spokesperson, said the plates were
discovered decades ago and were stored in the basement of the Smithsonian
Institution.

After the plates were unearthed in Valley Camorah in downstate New York on July
24, 1969 they were kept secret because no one could decipher them.

Olde related the first phrase translated was, "As Exmos are, Devil will be; As
Devil is, Exmos may become." "We were thrilled," Olde said, even though some
team members disagreed with his findings. British Lamanite geneticist Gordon
Smythe said he agrees the translation is correct but that it is only a couplet.
"Just a couplet."

Despite disagreements on details, both stated this was a major discovery because
heretofore all information about the Devil had come from his younger brother
Heaven Lee Father.

The plates reveal Devil is not a title but a name. His full name is Devil May
Care. According to Devil May, the brothers suffered from all too common sibling
rivalry when time began.

Only two habitable planets, other than Earth, were available in the universe.
Heaven Lee was busy planning things in the pre-existence and didn’t leave his
followers alone because they were intellectually weak and couldn’t survive
without constant bosom burns. Devil May’s followers were intelligent, self
sufficient, coffee drinking persons who could sin without supervision. According
to Devil May this allowed him to check out the planets first.

Devil May found the first planet almost uninhabitable and opted for the second,
a lush tropical paradise, which he named Bolok. When Heaven Lee finally thought
he could leave his hapless followers unsupervised he discovered the better
planet was claimed by Devil May. The remaining planet emitted clouds of methane
gas and would have been totally unlivable except for vast forests of green Jello
trees. In a fit of anger Heaven Lee, who is not creative, named his planet Kolob
(Bolok spelled backwards).

From that day, the brothers hated one another but Heaven Lee concentrated on
publicity and generated lies from his Utah headquarters about Devil May. One is
that Devil May, who actually lives on Bolok, lives in Hell, his vacation spot.
Hell is not the unpleasant place described by Heaven Lee’s spin-doctors. Devil
May winters there and proclaims it quite pleasant with a warm climate, which
produces excellent wine grapes. He also notes Hell is a wonderful place for
barbecue parties. He hosts large events by flickering lava lamps for his many
friends from Outer Darkness.

Further, he points out the Celestial Kingdom is a wasteland of cockleburs
and stubble. Heaven Lee created the Celestial Hoax to increase support for his
cult which he hopes will take over the world.

Professors Olde and Smythe contend more research is necessary on this
earthshaking find and have applied to The National Endowment For The Arts for
additional funding.

In an unrelated announcement The Church of Joseph Smith of Latter Day
Polygamists announced opposition to continued Congressional funding for The
National Endowment For The Arts.

Reply from Cheryl, the Aspousetate’s Wife

I apologize to all of you of Mormon descent. I DID try to clearly explain
Mormon doctrine to my husband as background for his above Lampoon submission. My
never Mormon husband burst into uproarious laughter. I remained patient and
diligent trying to clearly impart Mormon dogma of the pre-existence and the war
in heaven.
He fell on the floor hooting and laughing in wild abandonment. I raised my
voice and persevered, explaining the complicated family relationships of God,
Adam, Jesus and the Devil. He choked and rolled on the floor until hilarity
decimated his listening skills.

Oh, well! You tell me. What more could I do?

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