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Datum: Mittwoch, den 8. August 2001, um 6:52 Uhr
Betrifft: "Prophet, Queer and Revelator"

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Tuesday August 7, 2001

Hinckley Reveals Divine Solution To Gay Lesbian Church Conflict

Prophet, Seer, Revelator and World Leader Hinckley waves to reporters in front of the Salt Lake Church Formerly Known As Mormon Temple as he announces still another marvelous mainstream manifestation of The Lord’s will.

by Jim Gomer Neighbors

Salt Lake City - DIP (Deseret Independent Press) Every Thursday morning deep withing the Salt Lake Temple President Gordon B Hinckley and his two counselors meet with the twelve apostles, form a prayer circle while dressed in holy temple clothing and receive the latest Word of the Lord.

The latest Word of the Lord which usually enters Hinckley’s consciousness as a still small voice was apparently screaming so loud that the prophet, seer and revelator of the 11 million member sect called an impromptu press conference on the granite steps of the historic temple.

Still dressed in his white temple suit, Hinckley stunned the media with details of a revelation equal to the famous 1978 revelation of Spencer W Kimball which bestowed the holy priesthood upon all Mormon males, including black men and boys. Equally astounding was Hinckley announcing his resignation as prophet and president of the Church, effective at the conclusion of the next General Conference in October.

While reporters were struck dumb with shock and unable to even ask questions, Hinckley’s countenance assumed a golden angelic glow as he proclaimed, My dear Latter-day Saints, the Lord in His mercy has this day opened the church doors of full fellowship unto each and every gay and lesbian brother and sister.

"The Lord has also expanded His mercy into the heavens thus creating a fourth degree of glory to be known as the ’Gaylesbial Kingdom’, which is equal in glory to the Celestial Kingdom." Proclaimed Hinckley. Waxing eloquent above the din of gasps, awe’s and wow’s from the press corps, Hinckley explained, "However, with full fellowship comes full responsibility. Where much is given , much is required. Thus saith the Lord."

Explaining and outlining the Lord’s new program, Hinckley revealed, "Lo and behold, the Lord hath commanded a seventy times seven expansion of the leadership in the church at a time when we are experiencing record levels of serious burn out of the faithful due to endless meetings, demands and sacrifices which has pushed church growth statistics into a tailspin. Combining this trend with the ever increasing dissatisfaction and animosity growing amongst our gay and lesbian ranks and the negative press we suffer as a result, an inspired solution as been revealed unto me."

"Our heterosexual faithful work overtime procreating and raising offspring as numerous as the sands of the sea while our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters do not. All of this free and unencumbered time leaves our same sex attracted members, with their natural attention to detail, passion and boundless energy, available to respond to the Savior’s call to fill all Priesthood, Relief Society, Young Men, Young Women, Primary, Sunday School, Temple Worker and Missionary positions in the Church. This in turn will allow the heterosexual faithful to focus all of their energy on marrying and raising up numerous righteous generations unto the Lord of Hosts while our same sex attracted faithful remain running the Lord’s errands full time."

"Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me, to have gay Bishops and lesbian Relief Society presidents performing all of the rewarding church work like holding leadership meetings, staffing the temples, performing the home and visiting teaching, staffing the nursery, teaching lessons, cleaning the chapels and gathering the tithes and fast offerings while the heterosexuals spend blissful weekends with their families, read scriptures, take summer vacations to all the Church pageants and historical sites and actually hold Family Home Evenings for a change. This way all the faithful members of the flock are busy as bees and staying far, far away from tempations, lasciviousness and all manner of naughtiness. Our church will resume once again the elite position of the fastest growing church in the land." Sun beamed Hinckley.

With a gleam and twinkle in his eyes, Hinckley admonished all current General Authorities and Auxiliary Leaders to prepare for release from their full time paid positions and to make room for the new gay leadership assuming their divine mantles of authority at the upcoming October General Conference.

One reporter overheard Boyd K Packer, long time heir apparent to the prophet’s mantel, murmuring into the ear of Dallin H Oaks. "Damn it all to flip, Dallin! That half deaf, senile ol’ fart Hinckley can’t even get his revelations straight any more. The Spirit of the Lord whispered ’lay leadership’ not gay leadership!’ And I swear on a stack of Book of Mormons that I’ll be damned, give up my calling and erection made sure and go straight to the Telestial Kingdom before I’ll raise my hand to the square and sustain a ’prophet, queer and revelator’ in October’s General Conference. We sold out to the black folks and now the gays. Who’s next, the feminists and intellectuals? I can’t believe that just anyone can join our church now. Totally disgusting!"

Oaks was heard to murmur back into Packer’s ear with a giggle, "Yeah, next Hinckley will change the scripture from ’straight is the gate’ to ’gay is way’ unto life eternal. There is also a rumor that he’s changing the ’Correlation Committee" to the "Rainbow Coalition Committee.’"

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